


Pure Blood Runs Black

by yasswolfstariscanon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abused Sirius Black, Depressed Sirius Black, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Fifth Year, M/M, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Suicidal Sirius Black, Suicide Attempt, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting, sirius eating disorder, the whomping willow prank, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2019-11-04 09:25:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17895851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yasswolfstariscanon/pseuds/yasswolfstariscanon
Summary: Sirius fucked up. Now he has to face the consequences.TRIGGER WARNINGS





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Hey, I am not JK Rowling unfortunately. I don't own Harry Potter. :(  
> Author's Notes: There is going to be a lot of angst and potentially very triggering events in this fic, so this is just a forewarning. If you are easily triggered by self-harm, panic-attacks etc. I recommend you don't read this fic.

Sirius had fucked up. He new he had as he sprinted through the candle lit corridors for the Gryffindor common room. He saw James and Peter leaving, flashing him a grin.

"You ready Padfoot?" teased James.

"James- I've fucked up." he panted, "I told him how to get in... I told Snape how to get into the Willow." He gasped clutching his burning chest.

"FUCK SIRIUS. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?" he yelled, running down the corridor. Sirius went to follow him, "DON'T YOU DARE FOLLOW, YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH." he screamed sprinting for the willow.

His eyes prickled, threatening to spill. He'd done it this time. He went to far.

He kept relaying the events in his head. Snape cornering him, threatening to tell everyone about his parents, how they hurt him. How he threatened to tell his parents he was gay, not only that but he was dating a half-blood. His parents would actually kill him. How his anger boiled and he exploded, not thinking. Moony, his boyfriend, was going to kill Snape. The Ministry was going to kill Moony. They always did with his kind. They don't give a fuck who they are.

Tears streamed down his face. He found himself sitting in the empty common room, by the fire. He could only wait. What seemed like an eternity later James staggered into the common room. Sirius jumped up.

"James I'm so sorry. Are you ok? Is Remus ok? Merlin, James, Snape he-"

"Save it Black." Sirius flinched at the sound of his cursed last name, "You're just like them. You don't care about anyone apart from your bloody self. You are just as bad as them with their fucking pure-blood mania. Just get out of my sight" he spat, turning for the dormitory.

"James please-" said Sirius grabbing James' wrist.

"FUCK OFF BLACK!" James screamed shoving Sirius back into the wall. His head slamming into the corner of the shelf behind him. Peter trailed after James, fear and betrayal flashing in his eyes. He slumped to the floor. Stars swimming in his vision. His head weeping blood where it had cracked on the mantle piece. Tears flooded down his face, his hands clammy, head spinning. His chest tightened, he lungs burning from the lack of oxygen. He prayed for it to all be over.

***

Sirius woke with a start. His head throbbing, shivering on the floor of the common room. He glanced at the clock. 6:28, just time to shower and leave before Jam- the others got up. He stood in the shower, the water running pink from the dried blood in his hair. His hands shook. _What had he done._ He grabbed his things and promptly left the common room. He wasn't hungry, he couldn't face food. Not now.

He went out into the grounds and sat by the lake. His feelings were unbearable. He had nearly sentenced his boyfriend to death. There was a quick pop as he transformed into padfoot. His emotions were far less complex as a dog. He ran into the forest as deep as he could remember and howled. He howled for his stupidity. He howled for the loss of friendship, his only friends. And most of all he howled for the loss of Remus. The love of his life.

He padded back to the castle, hoping to get lost or be killed by some rabid beast in the forest, but no luck came. He transformed back into himself, snatching his bag from the side of the lake. He stood outside the charms classroom, waiting for James, Remus and Peter. Praying they would listen. The boys arrived, James quickly pulling them into the classroom. Sirius walked to his seat next to Remus, hoping to explain himself.

"Fuck off Black," James hissed, "He doesn't want to see you." Remus was looking down, avoiding all eye contact with Sirius. Sirius looked down, his heart shattering into a million pieces. He walked over to the empty desk at the back and threw is bad down. He cursed himself for everything. His heritage, his stupidity, his selfishness. _Maybe he was like them. Maybe he had never escaped the Black name after all._

His thoughts were interrupted by Professor McGonagall walking into the lesson.

"Professor Flitwick, I apologise for intruding, but may I speak to Mr Black." she said, her sharp gaze flicking to where he sat.

"Of course Professor." replied Flitwick's squeaky voice. Sirius stood up, sweeping his belongings into his bag and quickly following McGonagall, his head hung towards the floor, avoiding all eye contact.

"Professor, it was a mistake I swear. Snape, h-he"

"Enough, Mr Black. The Headmaster wishes to see you." she interrupted, her voice cold. He entered the grand office of Professor Dumbledore, his hands shaking.

"Sit Mr Black." the old man's voice was passive, but cold, "Mr Black, I'm sure you understand that your actions last night were not only incredibly dangerous to Mr Snape, but also Mr Lupin and Mr Potter."

"Sir it was an accident, I swear." he pleaded, "Please don't expel me!"

The older man continued as though he hadn't heard what Sirius had said.

"I have spoken with Mr Snape. He will not tell anyone of Mr Lupin's condition, or what he saw. Now unfortunately I cannot allow your actions to go unpunished. What you did was rash, reckless and extremely dangerous. Therefore, I have to take fifty points from Gryffindor and you will loose your position on the Quidditch team for the remainder of the year. Do you believe this is fair for your actions?"

"Yes Professor Dumbledore. Thank you sir." he said, his head hung low. He couldn't face looking into those piercing blue eyes.

"Please go back to your lessons Mr Black." said the headteacher, his voice eerily calm. Sirius stood, picking his bag up from the floor and hurried out of the room. His heart was pounding in his chest, his breathing shallow. He ran his hand through his hair. _Fucking hell, he had really done it this time._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I am still not JK Rowling :(
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: suicidal thoughts

Sirius walked down the corridor to the charms classroom, his head spinning, teeming with thoughts. He entered the classroom, his head down. He could feel the eyes of everyone in the room resting on him. He could feel the the white hot gaze of his fellow marauders. He kept his head down and sat at his desk.

"Welcome back Mr Black. We were just talking through the theory of conducting non-verbal spells. We will now be trying a simple levitation spell on the feather in front of you. It will take extreme concentration and I expect many of you will struggle with this as it is a challenging skill to master, however you will need to master basic spells in order to achieve an Outstanding OWL. Mr Black I suggest you read the passage on nonverbal spells in your standard book of spells: volume 5 before you try, it contains everything you need to know." said the squeaky voice.

Non-verbal spells. He wouldn't need the book. He had become proficient in non-verbal casting in third year. It was the only method in which to protect himself from his Mother and Father. Moreover, his frequent nightmares meant it was necessary to perform silencing charms every evening. Casting these silently avoided suspicion.

He skim read the passage and took out his wand and pointed it at the tea cup. He channeled his emotions into his magic. The burning guilt, the fear, the sorrow. _Wingardium Leviosa._ He felt feeling the familiar feeling of his magic coursing through his body, though his wand. The tea cup rose steadily, gracefully and with ease.

"Well done Mr Black! First time! Twenty points to Gryffindor!" the man squeaked.

He looked up at his friends, expecting their cheers and smiles, instead he received an angry glare from James, Remus didn't even look at him, and James quickly pushed a half-smiling Peter back around again."

He looked down again.

***

The rest of the day took a similar course to charms. His friends ignored him in potions, Defense against the dark arts, transfiguration. Lily looked between James and him in Arithmancy, confused as to why they were not talking. Snape shot him a sneer in History of Magic when Remus didn't take his usual seat next to him. He felt like he was in hell, one of his worst nightmares. He still prayed it had all been a nasty dream. That he would wake up surrounded by all his friends. His stomach growled slightly. He hadn't felt like eating. He couldn't face sitting there without his friends. _Maybe he would get something from the kitchens later. Or maybe not._

He skipped dinner, heading straight for the common room. He sat on his four poster bead, curtains drawn. There was an empty void in his life. No Remus instructing him to do his homework, no James pining over Lily, no peter stuffing his face and sharing his latest haul from the kitchens. No cuddles and quick kisses from Remus, no new prank plans from James, no random anecdotes from Peter. His mind swarmed with the negative thoughts his friends had helped him push aside.

_No one cares about me. I am nothing. I'm just another stinking, disgusting Black. No one would miss me, not anymore. Maybe I should just end it now, save everyone the pain. His mother would probably be leaping with joy. Remus wouldn't care. Not after what he did. NO!_

He would't let the thoughts take over. He had to find a distraction. He took out his potions essay. _Bloody hell, what had he become._ ~~~~

He cast a silencing charm around his bed. He lay there trying to block out his demons but to no avail.

James, Peter and Remus entered the dorm after they had dinner. 

"Is he asleep?" he heard Peter whisper.

"I don't care. He isn't one of us anymore." hissed James.

Pain coursed through Sirius' body. _He wasn't one of them anymore. His best mate. His brother._

Tears slid down his face, his body convulsing as he tried to hold back the sobs desperate to escape his body. An all too familiar feeling rose inside him. His chest tightened. His lungs closing. His whole body trembling. He gasped, trying to allow air enter his body again. He dug his nails into his palms, praying the pain would reopen his lungs. He felt like he was dying. He needed Remus. He needed his warmth. His gentle words, his gentle hugs. They had only been dating for two months, since new year, when a drunken Sirius babbled his confession of love to a nearly equally as pissed Remus. They woke up tangled together on the sofa in the common room with splitting headaches and swollen lips after the many messy kisses they had shared.

The memory hurt him more. He had lost the only thing that grounded him. The only person who could understand him. He swallowed shallow breaths trying too force the burning air down into his lungs.  

He felt himself drift into an exhaustion induced sleep. _Maybe he wouldn't wake up._

_Remus was in a cadge in the middle of a room. Ministry Officials surrounded the cadge. His mother had a vice like grip on his shoulder. Remus was sobbing in the cadge. People screamed "Monster" at him._

_"We are gathered here to witness the execution of this Werewolf who murdered student Severus Snape."_

_"No!" he tried to scream, but no sound came out._

_An executioner entered the cadge, baring a huge axe._

_"No!" he tried to scream again as the man towered over the cowering boy._

_"No!" he tried to scream louder, his throat feeling raw, but no sound escaped._

_The axe fell ._

 ***

He woke up with a start a scream forming in his lungs. His throat felt raw. Thank Merlin he had cast the silencing charms.

He sat up realising his fellow Mara- room mates were still asleep. He quickly ran over to the bathroom. He stood by the sink looking at himself in the mirror. He didn't recognise the person who looked back at him. A broken boy. His eyes blood-shot, puffy, red. Dark shadows under his eyes. His hair messy. One day without his support system and his body was already failing him. 

His eyes were drawn to something glinting by the side of the sink. A razor blade. He had started growing facial hair last year. Only a little, enough for a shave once a month. He felt the urge to pick it up. To add to the collection of scars on his arms. He hadn't cut since second year. Since Remus found him after a particularly bad howler from his mother, having a panic attack on the bathroom floor, blade in hand. 

He turned and ran from the bathroom, scared of where his thoughts were turning. He changed into his robes and left the dorm-room. 

He walked down the endless corridors of the school, his eyes focusing on the stone floor. His mind racing. He hadn't felt suicidal in nearly three years. He attempted to push the thoughts to one side, to trap them in a corner of his mind; they kept escaping. Corrupting his thoughts with his mother screaming insults. James shouting at him. It was deafening. 

He wished it could all just stop. He wished he could stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that was depressing. I hope you liked this chapter. If you have any suggestions for the story I would love to hear them! Should I make the chapters longer?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Suicidal thoughts and self harm

Sirius awoke with a start. His hair was plastered to his face. His sheets felt like a straight jacket, confining him in his nightmares. Each night got worse. His mother stood over him, a snarl etched into her sharp features. Pain wracking through his body as she cast curse after curse. Every morning started the same. Without Remus’ body curled around him, without his arms around his chest, without the feeling of his breath ticking his neck.

* * *

 

Water ran down his face, stinging his eyes as it carried the soap suds from his hair. He stepped out of the shower, pulling a towel round his waist and stood in front of the sink. A boy looked back at him. Dark circles encased a pair of dull grey eyes. His hair falling limply around his face causing his sallow cheek bones to jut out of his face. His once golden skin; a faded, pasty white. His ribs pressed against the papery skin, caving in to the crevasses from lack of food. Stick thin arms hung limply by his torso, no trace of the muscular quidditch beater could be found. Sirius stared back into his reflection. It’s funny how one can change so much in two weeks. His chest rose and fell, his heart beat thrumming in his ears, like a never-ending drum, constantly reminding him of the dirty blood pulsing through his veins. He wanted it out.

The blade felt familiar in his hand, catching on the ridges on his fingers as he turned it in his palm. He craved the sharp burn of the blade; the blood dripping down his arm. Just one. Just one more scar. No more. That was all he needed. He drew the blade to his forearm. Pressing it to his skin. Blood thundered through his ears, deafening him. His chest tight; breathing fast. He needed the release. Just one.

A small hiss escaped his mouth as he dragged the blade across his skin. The pressure in his chest easing slightly, his breathing becoming steadier. Blood pooled across the shallow cut, trickling down his arm. The pain was a drug, a fix, releasing cursed blood. He dragged the blade across his skin again and again, each slice deeper than the last. He looked down at his arm, crimson blood dripped from the three gashes, staining the white porcelain sink. Bile rose in his throat. What had happened to him? What had he become?

He muttered a cleaning spell, vanishing all the blood, before hastily casting a healing spell on his arm. The skin knitted itself together leaving three angry, inflamed lines. He threw on his robes and left the bathroom. He hurried into the common-room, carefully avoiding the creaky floor boards. Shame flood through his body as the adrenaline dissipated.

“Black? Why are you down he- are you ok?” Lily Evans stood in front of him, her sneer quickly being replaced with concern.

“I-I’m fine Evans.” he replied, hastily moving forward so he could get away. She grabbed his wrist, her fingers softly curling around his arm. A sharp, burning pain coursed up his arm, a small whimper escaping his chapped lips. He pulled himself from her grip, sprinting from the common-room. Panic bubbled inside him. What if she knew. What if she could tell what he had just done to himself. He could taste the metallic tang of blood on his tongue as he chewed on his bottom lip.

His lungs heaved, burning from the vast volumes of air required by his body. His legs trembled from the flights of stairs he had climbed. The air felt dry and stale in his lungs. He pushed open the door in front of him. Of course. The astronomy tower. Of course, he ended up here. He staggered to the edge; his fingers white with the vice like grip he held on the wall. A step. That is all it could take, then his life would be over. His family wouldn’t miss him. No. They would probably be happy that the disappointment was no longer their problem. Reg would be ok. His life would probably be easier if he were gone. James, Remus and Peter hated him. What was there to live for. He took a deep breath in, preparing to step onto the ledge.

He heard the door open behind him.

“Sirius?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for not updating in ages. School has been killing me with exams. I hope to be able to update more frequently after the next couple of weeks when my exams end :). Thank you for your patience and support, and I know this chapter is short, but I felt it was important to at least publish something.   
> <3

**Author's Note:**

> If you have any suggestions for how you want the story to progress or have any questions about the plot feel free to comment. Also if you find any grammar or spelling mistakes please point them out (I'm horrific at spelling) :)  
> Also if you just want to comment something nice, that's cool too. It will definitely make my day :) <3


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